There’s something you should know about me…

First of all, I want to apologize to those of you who check my blog every week hoping for a new post. I know who you are, and I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll be making any new posts for a while. Extenuating circumstances have sapped most of my enthusiasm for writing. In short, life’s been a b*tch. Yeah.

But that’s not the main reason I’m writing this post. I’ve decided to post this because

  1. I’m done with hiding a part of myself, at least online. (For the people who know me offline and still check this blog, I ask you not to judge me.)
  2. This is a backwards way of telling my friends who still read my blog who I am. Because otherwise, I’m terrible at saying stuff like this in person and would probably definitely f*ck it up.
  3. I felt like writing about something I really care about and actually showing it to people, for once.

A few things you should know about this post:

  1. This was originally written in response to a prompt my teacher gave us in class once.
  2. I’m still figuring my sh*t out, so don’t take the last sentence as set in stone. I’m still working myself out.
  3. Read the whole thing before you comment below, yeah?
  4. The statistics provided about Floridian law in one of the last few paragraphs are sourced from trustworthy material and are completely true as of March 10th, 2014.
  5. A few warnings for homophobic/transphobic slurs and treatment.

Alright, here we go.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

(In response to the prompt: “Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Have you ever had your heart broken?”)

As far as I can remember, I have never broken someone’s heart. Sure, I had the typical screaming matches with my parents, family, and former friends, but both members always seemed to bounce back from those fights, and there were many occasions of teary reconciliation on both ends. And you know what? I’m happy that I’ve never broken a heart. I’m happy that I’ve never had my heart broken, I am!

But, I’m also scared.

I’m scared that I’ll break my family’s heart when I tell them I’m not straight. I’m scared that my heart will break when I come out. I’m scared that by coming out, I’ll unearth deeply-rooted homophobia in parts of my family tree. I’m scared that my aunts, uncles, and cousins who are deep believers in heterosexuality will shun me. Hell, the atmosphere in my extended family was bad enough when one of my cousins got pregnant before she was married, and she was 22 and engaged at the time. If three of my aunts had the audacity to completely ignore her for months, what might happen to me when they find out I’m not straight? I’m scared that I won’t be accepted at family reunions, should I choose to bring a girlfriend along. I’m scared because I’ve heard of hate crimes and lynchings for less. A Muslim girl living in the US was killed because her father saw her holding hands with another girl, so what would happen to me if I were to kiss a girl in the company of certain relatives?

I’m scared that I’ll estrange some of my friends when I come out to them. I’m scared that I’ll never be looked at the same way again. I’m scared that I might lose the friendships of people I value, and I’m afraid because I know that that will hurt me. I’m scared that some people will spread nasty rumors about me at school, and I’m scared because I won’t know how to handle them. I’m scared because one of my friends who lives on the other side of the country suffers from severe gender dysphoria and isn’t allowed to dress like a boy or take testosterone because his parents are unsupportive and bigoted, and when he calls me and cries into the phone, I can’t do anything to help him. I’m scared because one of the people I know was severely injured, almost raped, and nearly killed because he chose the wrong person to come out to. I’m scared because when one of my friends called another boy a faggot,tranny, and a shemale because of his haircut, no one called them out on it. I’m scared because some of my friends have been bullied because they were brave enough to be themselves. I’m scared because I’ve heard horror stories about students, parents, and teachers bullying high school, middle school, and even elementary school kids because of their sexual or gender identity. I’m scared because sometimes, one of my friends makes a homophobic joke and everyone laughs along.

I’m scared because same-sex marriage is currently banned in Florida, and, because of the huge number of conservatives in my state, doesn’t seem to be changing anytime soon. I’m scared because, according to Florida law, I wouldn’t have the right to visit my wife if she were to be hospitalized, because we’d technically be a same-sex couple; because if I married a woman, our marriage wouldn’t be legally recognized in 33 out of 50 states in the US; because Florida law does not give me any protection against employment discrimination if I were open about my sexuality or gender identity; because if I wanted to rent an apartment with a girlfriend, there aren’t any current state laws that would stop a business from refusing us rental based on our sexuality. I’m scared because there hasn’t been a Florida law passed yet that addresses school bullying based on sexual or gender identity.

I’m scared because if I ever become a published author, I know that some parents would shun my work because of my sexuality, as if that were related to what I put down on paper. I’m scared because some people say that the abbreviation ‘LGBTQIAP+’ is “too confusing” for them, and refuse to recognize the ‘QIAP+’ part of their community. I’m scared because when Rick Riordan made one of the characters in the Heroes of Olympus series gay, people said that sexuality was something too confusing for children to understand, as if the romance between Percy and Annabeth was something not addressing sexuality. I’m scared because up until the age of 12, I wasn’t aware that any sexuality other than being hetero was normal or allowed, and I thought of myself as wrong, a freak, needing to be fixed. I’m scared because the other day I read an article about a little boy who killed himself, because one day he wore a pink dress to school and he was hated so much because of that clothing choice that he couldn’t stand it. I’m scared because I’ve seen normal people called nasty names and made jokes of and targeted because they had the audacity to be openly gay or bi or pan or ace or gray-a or demi or trans or bigender or genderqueer or genderfluid or anything that’s not the cisgender heteronormative way of life.

I’m a closeted pansexual gender-questioning teenage girl who’s scared of breaking hearts and having her heart broken, and I don’t know what to do.

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15 Responses to There’s something you should know about me…

  1. My dear young woman.
    It is more dark and scary inside the closet than out.
    I feel for you.
    If your family cannot accept you unconditionally then that is their loss.
    My advice is work on putting support systems in place, friends, a counsellor.
    Don’t keep anyone near you who doesn’t affirm and love you and above
    all, keep a sense of humor! :-)
    Is isn’t possible to be anyone other than your self anyway. :-)
    XXXX

  2. Growing up isn’t easy. Trust your heart, seek guidance and follow the signs.
    Keep writing and making stuff.

  3. nevillegirl says:

    *hugs you* I hope everything goes well with your friends and family (if they find out / you decide to tell them). *hugs again*

    Lovely post, very heart-felt, and I’m sorry you have to hear people say that junk. *smites them* *offers kittens of comfort*

    • Aw yeah, hugs! *squeeEEzes you*

      Thanks :) On the bright side of being submitted to idiotic highschoolers who say crap like that, I have developed very sharp wit. Or well, very sharp for me. It shows up occasionally in our innuendo conversations. Sadly, it was feeling particularly dull the day I wrote that “sex-sea” comment.

      tennant with kittens
      Kittens of comfort are awesome.

    • nevillegirl says:

      Sharp wit, indeed. xD

      AAAAH CUTE KITTENS CRAWLING ON DAVID TENNANT. :D

  4. MOHE says:

    Hey, um, you don’t really know me. Nor do I know you that well. I’m one of nevillegirl’s friends… and yeah. *sits awkwardly for a few seconds*

    I guess… I’d like to give you one more vote of confidence. That there’s one more person rooting for you. One more person hoping you have a lovely life. I can’t say I have any words of wisdom, but… you’re great. Remember there are people who love you.

    • I think I see what you’re trying to say. And for saying that, thanks. I appreciate your comment, it sounds sincere. (not that the others aren’t, but…It’s hard to listen to unsolicited advice, especially from older people who don’t know what you’re going through.) (nevillegirl is a notable exception)

  5. River says:

    Oh, Koko. I’m sorry to hear that life’s been rough lately. . . . *hugs* Hopefully your spring break was good though?

    From what you’ve said before about your aunts (in particular), it’s no surprise that you’re worried about your family’s reaction. My first instinct was tell you “don’t worry” but I that’s too flippant and unhelpful, so instead I’ll just say that there’s no judging going on over in this corner of the universe. *hugs again*

    It was tough for me to hear that you were struggling with this for so long. I’m just going to second what the others have already said, there are people who care about you and we’re here to support you. So I’m always here if you want to talk, need to cry or rant, or want to have some general silly fun to take your mind off things. (. . . or, you know, just for the sake of having fun. That’s okay too.)

    Anyway, I don’t want to clutter up your comments with a super-long-hundred-paragraph-essay (which I promise you it was beginning to become before I held myself back), so I’ll end here. Let’s talk more later.

    (Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond, I didn’t have any Internet access last week. And then I saw this in my reader and rushed over to read it and yes I made sure to read it all so this was a quick a turnaround as I could do. /end explanation)

    • Apparently, my science teacher does not understand the definition of ‘break.’ She gave us a 10-page packet, due the Monday we got back. Ah yes, high school biology classes…

      The things I’ve told you about my aunts aren’t the least of it. There’s a reason I avoid my extended family… Several reasons, now that I think about it. *cough*they’re-really-bigoted-and-racist,-sexist,-and-pretty-much-everythingphobic*cough*

      You never clutter up my comments. I’d totally read a super-long-hundred-paragraph-essay from you. Unless it’s on something like biochemistry. Eurgh. :)

      Has Cloud read this?

      • River says:

        Ugh, what is it with teachers who think that the definition of ‘break’ is ‘yay I can force more work on my students’?! My finance teacher uses the same dictionary, he scheduled an exam for the week after class so that “your parents will thank me for keeping you out of trouble”.

        What you told me before was but a minor indication of their character, huh? It’s pretty disheartening to think that they’d treat their own family members so badly. They’re supposed to love you, not shun you or tear you down just because you don’t fit into the exact mold that they think you should.

        LOL, no biochemistry, got it. So my guess is you’re not going to go into the sciences? XD

        Not yet, I think? She’s been studying for an upcoming exam, so that’s been taking most of her time. She probably will soon though.

        • Ugh, teachers. We’ve got a new teacher in my Semantics/Logic class (basically it preps freshmen for AP classes) and she talks to us like we’re children. To make things worse, she’s only subbed for elementary-grade students, and this is her first high-school class. So, we’re her guinea pigs. I am so happy we’ve only got about 10 weeks of school left.

          Pretty much, yeah. Like I said, there’s a reason I don’t want to visit my relatives often. It’s not totally obvious behavior, it’s more hidden in the way they speak or behave when speaking about certain topics. IMO, that’s one of the worse ways to discriminate.

          Well, I am taking Marine Biology sophomore year. And I’m planning on taking Forensic Science either junior or senior year, so… I dunno, it’s mostly the chemistry part of biochemistry that eludes me. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the more technical stuff, but the chemical reactions are fun. (and you cannot believe how happy I am that my school offers forensic stuff aah!! Now, if only they still offered the Archaeology and Classic Lit courses…) Oh, have I mentioned that the Creative Writing class at my school participates in NaNo? It’s really cool, because the teacher actually buys the teacher’s packets offered by NaNo and stuff…

          Ah, studying, the bane of a student’s existence. Tell her good luck from me, yeah?

        • River says:

          That’s the worst. It’s awful when educators are patronizing, or when they can’t adjust to new age groups–yes, teaching is teaching, but how you teach is important, and what’s needed changes depending on the students. Why can’t they understand that? Though, I guess it’s hard the first semester after a change–I had a teacher who was the opposite, she had been teaching older students before so she didn’t explain as much as she ought to have. Though, she adjusted over the semester, and in a few weeks it wasn’t a problem. My guess is your Semantics/Logic teacher isn’t so adaptable?

          Well, at least if they outright confront you with their biases you can maybe talk through it and reach a resolution. . . but if they just slip it in, or don’t realize their biases, it’s harder to pinpoint or discuss with them. So yeah, it’s one of the worst. I feel for you.

          Yeah, I tried chem before–well, let’s just say there’s a reason I didn’t go into science.
          But Forensic Science sounds fun! That’s the sort of thing I would have been into, my bad experience with chemistry notwithstanding.

          You know, if your school has a partnership with the community college, you might be able to take some Classic Lit and Archeology classes there. Or similar subjects, to get you started. An I know there are archeology trips for students out there–I’m not sure you have to have experience to go on all of them.

          No, I hadn’t heard that! That’s awesome! Hopefully it’ll promote a love of writing in the students. Does the teacher make everyone participate, or is NaNo more of an extra thing available?

          She says, “Thanks.” Also, she said, “And tell her to check her email.” So yeah. Hopefully she’ll be less stressed once she’s done with the test (but it’s an endless cycle. . . so maybe once summer starts, then?)

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